For the past few days, I have been so sick I thought I was close to meeting my maker. It is during those times and times of hardships, that the truth pops up and smacks me in the face. I really want to work hard here to tell the for real truth.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. I won’t tell you all the horrors I went through, but eventually this dysfunction led to me living in a place called Girlstown U.S. A. at 15. I simply was not wanted by my family. I did not see my family for years. Imagine this if you can. It was very hard on me. My extended family never paid any mind to me, and I was left in this world alone. to sort out adulthood, through a child’s mind. You might as well say, I’ve been alone my whole life. I grew up and had my daughter, and her father fled. I raised her alone. I have never met a man that kept fidelity promises, or promises of keeping me safe. This is why I write. Most holidays are spent alone. I have two grand children and a daughter and a son-in-law. I love them very much but I see them rarely.
To have so much love in my heart, this has been sad. I’m very social, I love to laugh and have fun, but I feel myself retreating. I’ve often concealed any feelings of hurt and tolerated horrible circumstances, because of the desire just to have some love in my life. I call it “chasing after love.” I’ve taken abuse, neglect, ignored cruelties you cannot imagine, all in the name of maintaining some false relationship with someone, whether it be family or lover.
I realized this week in my illness how alone I am anyways. I’m keeping peace with others to still be left alone! I’m being sidelined, to be further sidelined! I’m the bad child of the family, to stay the bad child of the family in their minds. (not mine) Ha! Now, that is so real and raw, even I can’t take it. When I am needed, honey I am Johnny on the spot for you. You need something, I will figure a way to make it happen for you if I love you. Some man beat you up! Oh hell naw girl! I am ripping off the fingernails and ready to throw down. I saw a girl getting beat up on the side of the road once and I did not even know her. I pulled over and took care of her. I made sure her boyfriend knew if he wanted to beat someone up it would have to be me. Folks have NEVER been like that for me. I kinda had to face this week, that is the way it is.We all live our lives, hoping that ONE person will have our backs do or die. We especially we hope our parents and family will. Never has happened to me. At my age, I can’t keep up the puppy like enthusiasm anymore. I can’t beg for that kind of love a family should give and feel any more. I can’t beg or seek that kind of half ass love people bring to my table anymore. I deserve better than to be laying here, feeling alone and having no one that will have my back, as I would have theirs. I cannot STAND to see anyone suffer. No more false pretense stuff with anyone. If I am not important in the long and short of it, let it be known it is noted. I will continue to treat you with love and respect. I just won’t play fake anymore.
Mskeepintreal needs your prayers for her health to return, so that she can continue her journey of love, learning and sharing. God bless you! Keep it real folks. Even if it hurts.