Edumacation

9 years ago I decided to go back to school.  I was never a good student because of the way I grew up.  There was so much turmoil in my house and in my young teenage life I was too busy chasing after love and acceptance to care much about school.  I was in a different high school each year of my four high school years.  Never anywhere long enough to feel apart of anything.  I did alright without that college degree; don’t get me wrong.  I went into the entertainment industry, singing, modeling and acting and I supported myself and my daughter doing these things as well as owning a maid service and working several jobs along the way. I kept feeling though as if something was missing.  I kept feeling like I had to see if a mantra I had been told by an adult most of my childhood days was true, that I was too stupid to waste money on, sending me to college.  I kept feeling inferior around those that had degrees. I was the only adult in my family without one.

So I went. At 50!  I got into a local community college.The first day was a nightmare.  It was pouring down raining and I did not know where to park so I parked a half a mile away and walked in the rain. I was drenched by the time I got there and smelling like a wet dog. Not to mention the school is on a hill and I was walking so fast in that rain I was out of breath on several occasions feeling like I was going to have a heart attack.  I remember at one point I stood there in the pouring down rain acting as if I was looking for something in my purse because I did not want the young students to notice my labored breathing.  Then I realized I had to get in this line and that line and they were all outside in the rain too. I swear my bolt and float instinct kicked in. But I stayed and I  went again and again.  8 years it took me because I am not good at math.  Everyone kept telling me I had come as far as I could go and I should be proud of what I had done and that I should not torture myself anymore.  I did not listen. ( I never listen)   I found a school that offered a math class I could pass in two semesters, and last summer 2015, I finished my requirements to get my AA and I transferred to a 4 year college that fall. I was so proud of myself, but it seemed not everyone was so proud of me. I promptly loss my home where I was living with roommates and 3 jobs I had with them on top of another job separate from those.  I had to take my financial aid and loans and use it to move.  I was depressed, heartbroken that these people I thought loved me so much,  did not.  Then my Barkley got sick costing another $3000.00 from swallowing a piece of a dog bone (we will have a chat about that later) I was so stressed out I lost a great deal of hair and weight.

I’m in the spring semester now and still have not recovered from that financial hardship.  I am taking 15 units and working as many odd jobs as I can find. I tutor, I write for blogs, I garden and I sit with doggies.  I took out a GoFundMe page and I have had some  wonderful kind people offer donations, but the goal has not been reached yet.   The end of the month is here and I am not sure how I am going to pay the rent or put gas in my car, but I am not giving up.  I guess that is the moral of this story.  In the past I gave up. I did not have what I have now, which if FAITH.  Simple and clear as that.  I live on Faith.  I work my butt off too.  I throw out lines like a fisherman everywhere and pray have faith that  all  will come together.

Last week I went to speak to my counselor to see what classes I needed for next semester and lo and behold I am already to graduate next June.  I have 30 more units to take and my BA is mine.  When he handed me that paper to sign and he signed it for my petition to graduate it became really clear to me that I had done the impossible. I started to tear up.  It really has been a journey of growth.  In the past whenever people turned their back on me I would just quit. Now I have learned I am far more than those folks and I am not defined by any of them.   I have a 3.5 grade point average and I am not too stupid to do anything.Quite the opposite.  Keep your head up folks. Believe in your self folks. Especially women and my sista girls.  No one but you and God knows your inner strength. Ironically I will be 60 when I graduate.

If you would like to donate to my cause here is the link. Donate https://www.gofundme.com/grannae     Thanks all!  Signing out for now.

MKR

 

 

Damned if you do! Damned if you don’t!

For the past few days I have been feelin kinda poorly.  I am a pushing myself in my older years to do some of the things I missed out on in my earlier life.  Hell, just being able to be ME is such a blessing. You have no idea!  But often when you are doing YOU it comes with a price. I am going to school full time , taking 15 units, working on my  BA in English , writing for other blogs, tutoring, working in gardens, dog sitting and anything else I can do to pay the bills while I am in school.  Unfortunately, this leads to me having to cancel or not even have a social life.  Instead of understanding ( and I expect people to know the kind of person I am.  I am very loving and giving to the point I have been known to neglect myself.)  people get mad when I can’t make a hang out because I have to work or just have to take care of my health.  My schedule and the choice I have made to be a better  me has really thinned out the friendship pool.  Many have understood and know I am stretched like a rubber-band about to snap.  Those that don’t I just chalk it up to they don’t have a clue what living from day to day is like, and trying to keep on keepin on in spite of the financial difficulties. They have never had to do it!   So they just can’t understand.  You can’t please everyone folks!  Women are especially susceptible to pleasyitis. It is in our nature to try to make everyone happy and forgo ourselves.  Well, after all these years of giving and giving and realizing folks were not putting out the same effort back, I started getting rid of my pleasyitis and thinking about me.  I hope today you will stop, take some time out of your day for YOU!  Forget about everyone for a moment and just do you!  Cause honey, you will be dead and 10 ft. under and folks will  go right on with their party and not shed a tear for you. That’s all I gotta say for now. Later!

MKR

 

A woman

Being a woman is tough (I said woman not girl) Being a black woman is double tough.  When you are a woman you are not supposed to have something to say.  Having an opinion is not paramount to womanhood.  You are supposed to be married to be considered “normal.” I get more questions about what’s wrong with me because I don’t have a man.  I don’t go around asking folks why they have been married three times?  Being a black woman you always going to have something to say, which means you are always in conflict with someone about something.  It is just the way it works.

I’m always talking about race to everyone.  Unfortunately it is a conversation that still comes up.  I wish it wouldn’t but it does.  One question I always hear is why are black women so mean. I always say this. We are not mean.  It is a protective sheild we have wrapped around us. It is a shield of mistrust. If you want to  remove that layer of shield, then you can with love and kindness.  It is hard to live in a world where you are objectified, disrespected, often left to raise families alone and maligned for every thing that makes you unique.  You would have a shield around you too. The angry black female myth is really an “I’m tired of taking care of your damn kids by myself,” manifestation and “I’m tired of never having anyone have my back” syndrome.  We stand behind our men to the end.  It is not often the other way around.  We are maligned for the thickness of our lips, the texture of our hair and objectified for our bodies.  Who loves us?  Who protects us?  We are often the protectors of everyone. We are often the butt of jokes even at the hand of our own.   If we express our frustrations out loud like I am here, we hear all kinds of excuses, laughter and no understanding.  Yep. Sometimes we got a tude.  Better than screaming.

MKR

Things that make you go Hmmm

Facebook and other social media sites are great ways to network and keep in touch what the family looks like, but it can also be a very negative place to those of us who are out there trying to keep out positive on.

Last night I got an inbox from someone who had decided that my nice curly head of hair was an “animal.”  Yaaaass!  That is what this fool said to me. He asked me what kind of “animal”I had on my head.  Now most of you don’t know me, but my hair is my crowning glory.  I’ve been a natural girl for a long time.  Sista’s don’t like you talking about their hair and I am not different.  I mean, I knew he was drunk because I kept going “huh” and his response was that he was sleepy.  That is why he called my hair an “animal”? Yeah right.  Drunk is when you find out wha people think for real.  Folks on social media get away with doing stuff they would not ever do or say to your face.  If he had said that to my face he would have gotten slapped upside his head.

Any way this is a  Keepin it REal moment.  I realized keeping up with the absurd is great therapy for me and hopefully for you too.  There will be more.  MKR

Food food food

This girl can cook… I aint never had no complaints… Got a few exes that still call me trying to get a meal… Mmmhmmm i know what you thinking. Its only the food ya’ll.  I’ll start posting some more pics and recipes soon.  Come back often and lemme know what you wanna learn how to cook.  I probably have a great recipe for you.  Just so ya know….I made everything pictured here.

MKR