self realization

Honesty

Posted on by mzkeepinitreal

For the past few days, I have been so sick I thought I was close to meeting my maker. It is during those times and times of hardships, that the truth pops up and smacks me  in the face. I really want to work hard here to tell the for real truth.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family.  I won’t tell you all the horrors I went through, but eventually this dysfunction led to me living in a place called Girlstown U.S. A. at 15. I simply was not wanted  by my family.   I did not see my family for years.  Imagine this if you can. It was very hard on me.  My extended family never paid any mind to me, and I was left in this world alone. to sort out adulthood, through a child’s mind.  You might as well say, I’ve been alone my whole life.  I grew up and had my daughter, and her father fled. I raised her alone.  I have never met a man that kept fidelity promises, or promises of keeping me safe. This  is why I write.  Most holidays are spent alone. I have two grand children and a daughter and a son-in-law.  I love them very much but I see them rarely.

To have so much love in my heart, this has been sad. I’m very social, I love to laugh and have fun, but I feel myself retreating.   I’ve often concealed any feelings of hurt and tolerated horrible circumstances, because of  the desire just to have some love in my life.  I call it “chasing after love.”  I’ve taken abuse, neglect, ignored  cruelties you cannot imagine,  all in the name of maintaining  some false relationship with someone, whether it be family or lover.

I realized this week in my illness how alone I am anyways.  I’m keeping peace with others to still be left alone! I’m being sidelined, to be further sidelined! I’m the bad child of the family, to stay the bad child of the family in their minds. (not mine)  Ha!  Now, that is so real and raw, even I can’t take it.   When I am needed, honey I am Johnny on the spot for you.   You need something, I will figure a way to make it happen for you if I love you.  Some man beat you up!  Oh hell naw girl! I am ripping off the fingernails and ready to throw down.  I saw a girl getting beat up on the side of the road once and I did not even know her.  I pulled over and took care of her. I made sure her boyfriend knew if he wanted to beat someone up it would have to be me.   Folks have NEVER been like that for me.   I kinda had to face this week, that is the way it is.We all live our lives, hoping that ONE person will have our backs do or die. We especially we hope our parents and family will. Never has happened to me.    At my age, I can’t keep up the puppy like enthusiasm anymore.  I can’t beg for that kind of love a family should give and feel any more. I can’t beg or seek that kind of half ass love people bring to my table anymore. I deserve better than to be laying here, feeling alone and having no one that will have my back, as I would have theirs. I cannot STAND to see anyone suffer.  No more false pretense stuff with anyone. If I am not important in the long and short of it, let it be known it is noted. I will continue to treat you with love and respect. I just won’t play fake anymore.

Mskeepintreal needs your prayers for her health to return, so that she can continue her journey of love,  learning and sharing.  God bless you! Keep it real folks.  Even if it hurts.

MKR

 

 

 

 

Edumacation

Posted on by mzkeepinitreal

9 years ago I decided to go back to school.  I was never a good student because of the way I grew up.  There was so much turmoil in my house and in my young teenage life I was too busy chasing after love and acceptance to care much about school.  I was in a different high school each year of my four high school years.  Never anywhere long enough to feel apart of anything.  I did alright without that college degree; don’t get me wrong.  I went into the entertainment industry, singing, modeling and acting and I supported myself and my daughter doing these things as well as owning a maid service and working several jobs along the way. I kept feeling though as if something was missing.  I kept feeling like I had to see if a mantra I had been told by an adult most of my childhood days was true, that I was too stupid to waste money on, sending me to college.  I kept feeling inferior around those that had degrees. I was the only adult in my family without one.

So I went. At 50!  I got into a local community college.The first day was a nightmare.  It was pouring down raining and I did not know where to park so I parked a half a mile away and walked in the rain. I was drenched by the time I got there and smelling like a wet dog. Not to mention the school is on a hill and I was walking so fast in that rain I was out of breath on several occasions feeling like I was going to have a heart attack.  I remember at one point I stood there in the pouring down rain acting as if I was looking for something in my purse because I did not want the young students to notice my labored breathing.  Then I realized I had to get in this line and that line and they were all outside in the rain too. I swear my bolt and float instinct kicked in. But I stayed and I  went again and again.  8 years it took me because I am not good at math.  Everyone kept telling me I had come as far as I could go and I should be proud of what I had done and that I should not torture myself anymore.  I did not listen. ( I never listen)   I found a school that offered a math class I could pass in two semesters, and last summer 2015, I finished my requirements to get my AA and I transferred to a 4 year college that fall. I was so proud of myself, but it seemed not everyone was so proud of me. I promptly loss my home where I was living with roommates and 3 jobs I had with them on top of another job separate from those.  I had to take my financial aid and loans and use it to move.  I was depressed, heartbroken that these people I thought loved me so much,  did not.  Then my Barkley got sick costing another $3000.00 from swallowing a piece of a dog bone (we will have a chat about that later) I was so stressed out I lost a great deal of hair and weight.

I’m in the spring semester now and still have not recovered from that financial hardship.  I am taking 15 units and working as many odd jobs as I can find. I tutor, I write for blogs, I garden and I sit with doggies.  I took out a GoFundMe page and I have had some  wonderful kind people offer donations, but the goal has not been reached yet.   The end of the month is here and I am not sure how I am going to pay the rent or put gas in my car, but I am not giving up.  I guess that is the moral of this story.  In the past I gave up. I did not have what I have now, which if FAITH.  Simple and clear as that.  I live on Faith.  I work my butt off too.  I throw out lines like a fisherman everywhere and pray have faith that  all  will come together.

Last week I went to speak to my counselor to see what classes I needed for next semester and lo and behold I am already to graduate next June.  I have 30 more units to take and my BA is mine.  When he handed me that paper to sign and he signed it for my petition to graduate it became really clear to me that I had done the impossible. I started to tear up.  It really has been a journey of growth.  In the past whenever people turned their back on me I would just quit. Now I have learned I am far more than those folks and I am not defined by any of them.   I have a 3.5 grade point average and I am not too stupid to do anything.Quite the opposite.  Keep your head up folks. Believe in your self folks. Especially women and my sista girls.  No one but you and God knows your inner strength. Ironically I will be 60 when I graduate.

If you would like to donate to my cause here is the link. Donate https://www.gofundme.com/grannae     Thanks all!  Signing out for now.

MKR

 

 

A woman

Posted on by mzkeepinitreal

Being a woman is tough (I said woman not girl) Being a black woman is double tough.  When you are a woman you are not supposed to have something to say.  Having an opinion is not paramount to womanhood.  You are supposed to be married to be considered “normal.” I get more questions about what’s wrong with me because I don’t have a man.  I don’t go around asking folks why they have been married three times?  Being a black woman you always going to have something to say, which means you are always in conflict with someone about something.  It is just the way it works.

I’m always talking about race to everyone.  Unfortunately it is a conversation that still comes up.  I wish it wouldn’t but it does.  One question I always hear is why are black women so mean. I always say this. We are not mean.  It is a protective sheild we have wrapped around us. It is a shield of mistrust. If you want to  remove that layer of shield, then you can with love and kindness.  It is hard to live in a world where you are objectified, disrespected, often left to raise families alone and maligned for every thing that makes you unique.  You would have a shield around you too. The angry black female myth is really an “I’m tired of taking care of your damn kids by myself,” manifestation and “I’m tired of never having anyone have my back” syndrome.  We stand behind our men to the end.  It is not often the other way around.  We are maligned for the thickness of our lips, the texture of our hair and objectified for our bodies.  Who loves us?  Who protects us?  We are often the protectors of everyone. We are often the butt of jokes even at the hand of our own.   If we express our frustrations out loud like I am here, we hear all kinds of excuses, laughter and no understanding.  Yep. Sometimes we got a tude.  Better than screaming.

MKR

Leighton!

Posted on by mzkeepinitreal

My new grandson was born to-day!  I was awakened early to hear that he was marching his way into the world.  He arrived at 9:27 am today and is lbs and 14 ounces and 21 inches long.  In case any of you get the idea from any of my post that I am prejudiced in any way I think you can see that he is blond hair and hazel eyed.  My daughter is half chinese and half black, her husband is caucasian.  We are a very blended group.  He is so handsome and his eyes are open in this picture already.  What a great way to start this day!

I gardened joyfully today without any drama, without feeling like I had to sneak around.  I am rearranging my back area which is all asphalt but spacious and am going to use that space to do some serious container gardening.  The whole reason I garden is for relaxation, to feed myself and others.  I can do that now peacefully.  In between I walked Barkley and the neighbors all around me who have been asking if my daughter was OK  were all told and Barkley who everyone seems to love was being fought over who would take care of him while I go to see my new grandson next weekend for a few days.  He runs into their house and makes himself at home and they don’t want me to take him home.  So he will be in good hands between the two neighbors.

Barkley is my Japanese Chin.  He is hilarious.  He is quite personable.  Once he meets someone he never forgets them.  I cannot take him for a walk peacefully because he knows where all his friends live and tries to drag me to their door.  He saved my life I think after my daughter moved to Florida.  I would have never gotten out of the bed if it were not for him.  I also think he had a great deal to do with my not drinking any more also. I felt I was not caring for him the way I owed him to be cared for, since I am the one who brought him into my home.  I owed him a master that had energy to play ball with him and engage with him and take good care of him.

Which leads me to my closing.  Tomorrow will be 77 days sober.  There have been days when I have wanted to drink so bad especially this past week but I know where it will lead me so I have not.  I have achieved so much since that first day.  More than I have in a long time.  Life is scary.  But if you get through the scary parts it can be rewarding.  Like I said yesterday.  Letting go and getting up and getting on is what you have to do.  It’s a beautiful fall night and I will end this awesome day doing MATH!  y’all pray for me now!  Mzkeepinitreal sucks at math!

 

He's here!